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"Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conversensation"
— Sheldon Cooper
"You can’t ruin a friendship with sex. That’s like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles."
— Raj
You're getting audited? Oh, you shoulda used my guy. He's a creepy little weasel who knows every little loophole and gets a sexual thrill outta cheating the feds.
Nina:
Who is he?
Finch:
Me.
Nina:
Are you really that good?
Finch:
Last year the government paid me 20 grand not to grow corn.
Nina:
You're hired.
Do you know what people say when you guys leave the room?
Jeff:
What? What do they say?
Larry:
Poor bastard.
"To tell you the truth, whenever I see a woman who’s happy, she’s married. And whenever I see a man who’s happy, he’s single."
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiam
Hey you know her friend Benny, what does she look like?
Elliott:
You've never met her either?
Finch:
No, but I picture a woman with a face put together like a ransom note.
"This is America. Pick a job and then become the person that does it."
— Bobbie Barrett
"If anything happens to me, tell courtney in accounting I love her. And erase all the porn off my computer."
— Dennis Finch
You know, more people have died hiking than in the entire civil war?
Alex:
OK. What book did you read that in?
Luke:
Book? Wake up and smell the Internet, grandma.
"hey your mom sent another fax. tell her to keep ‘em comin, we wouldnt want a business letter to slip through."
— Dennis Finch
so what's your name?
woman:
trouble.
ray:
ha. trouble. that was my moms name.
George: You know, I’ve been thinking.. I cannot envision any circumstance in which I’ll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How’s it gonna happen? I just don’t see how it could occur.
Kramer: Yes, uh, I’m interested in the apartment.
Sales Woman: Yes! Come in, come in.
Kramer: Ok.
Sales Woman: I’m Christine Nyhart.
Kramer: Oh. Delicious to meet you.
Sales Woman: Did the broker send you over?
Kramer: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I’m, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I’m a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I’m looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?
Sales Woman: The asking price is $1.5 million.
Kramer: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there’s a waterfall grotto?
Sales Woman: No.
Kramer: How about a bathroom?
Sales Woman: It has 4.
Kramer: Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?
Sales Woman: Just down the hall.
Kramer: I thought you said she stinks
Jerry: She does stink and she should quit. But I don’t want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she’s spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
Jerry: So we’re going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It’s just a write off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don’t even know what a write off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don’t.
Kramer: But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
kramer: I think we are looking at half a millimeter.
elaine: Can it cut that thin?
kramer: Oh, I’ve cut slices so thin, I couldn’t even see them.
elaine: How did you know you cut it?
kramer: Well, I guess I just assumed.
elaine: Hold on kitty, dinner’s coming.
kramer: Yeah, that’s a hall of famer.
elaine: Alright, let’s do it.
cheryl: you know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.
larry: its completely unprofessional. and i know because my whole careers been based on being unprofessional.
Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don’t know.
Jerry (picking at his moustache): You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.
George: I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.
Jerry: I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.
George: Well why didn’t we?
Jerry: Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That’s what you said.
George: What if we grew muttonchops?
Jerry: No.
George: Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!
Jerry: Stop it, George. Stop it. I’m sorry, you’ve gotta get a job.
George(resigned): Dammit.
Jerry: Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
George: That’s beautiful.
